What's this thing called life trying to teach me?

Hello There!



Well, life’s been a whirlwind since I wrote my last blog; which was way too long ago by the way, so I do apologize. I was having IT problems with my computer and now my internet is barely working. My availability to communicate with others is very difficult but oh well…that’s life so I’ve gotten over the frustrating part of that aspect.

I always find it quite intimidating to sum up my time here to be quite honest with you, so I’m just going to write…

Since my last blog I’ve managed to travel to Phuket and spend a lovely week of much needed rest and Sabbath with my good friends from San Diego; Stephanie Bobruk & Heather Daud, whom were visiting. We checked out the Similan Islands and snorkeled on these breathtaking preserved islands by boat. I’m very thankful for that week and had so much fun running around with Steph and Heather. We watched lanterns light up the sky on New Years Eve with thousands of people on the beach and fire works blowing off in every illegal direction! Although, I wasn’t so fond of that part; I had my head dug into their armpits the whole time! While I was looking up into the sky with lanterns lighting up the dark night like a river of fireflies I couldn’t help but feel out of body. For a moment I had all these crazy thoughts about our existence. How God created this interesting, beautiful world and put us in it and we could create our own story! Sometimes in life, you have these moments were you realize God wants to do really amazing things with you and it’s an empowering feeling! I guess it is always just a matter of trusting him to do that and giving your life over, letting go of all the material things of this world. Stephanie and Heather snuck me into their resort room and shared a small bed with me and hid me from the staff, sneaking food up to the room from the buffet. I told them I was their dog. It was fun! They took such good care of me being as financially accommodating as possible and it meant a lot to me. It was a really fun trip and I missed them immediately after checking into my sleazy, cheap guestroom for the night with a condom bar in my room and red heart shaped balloons everywhere and a view looking straight out into a slab of cement. That night ended up being very interesting but I need a place to rest before taking off again and it did the job. The toilet flushed, so I was happy.


lighting up a lantern on the beach for new years to shoot off into the sky


Dressed up for our New Years Eve Dinner. Heather, Me, Stephanie


After going elephant trekking in Pattaya near the Foundation

The next morning, I took off to Malaysia to apply for a new visa. An unexpected complication, but I was confident all would work out. I would be meeting up with two other volunteers; Qiong, from China & Asbjorn from Denmark. I prayed and asked God to really provide for this trip as much as possible since it was an unexpected journey with more visa fees. After falling asleep with my backpack strapped around my ankles and a stolen airport blanket which I am actually using right now, I woke up to find myself drooling in front of many people and late to meet up with Qiong to get on my flight. Anyways, after running around the airport in a sweat looking for this tiny cute little Asian girl, Qiong, I miraculously found her and checked in! That was the moment I started regretting packing so many books in my traveling pack. And I remember sitting on the edge of my bed debating this too. I’m sure by the time I get back to America I’ll be a pro at backpacking and be able to teach a class about it or something but at the moment, I have no shame in admitting how pre-Madonna I am. On the plane to Malaysia we met a very nice man named, Jimmy. I spoke to him the whole time as he looked like he wanted someone to talk to. He was nice. I had recently read a book by Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz" and he explained how nobody should ever be lonely and I resonated with that. After landing in Malaysia and meeting up with Asbjorn, Jimmy offered to set us up in his Guesthouse in Penang, where we needed to go. He lived about 1 1/2 hours away in Georgetown. I know many of you would say I was crazy for agreeing but I figured there were three of us now, one being a boy and Jimmy explained that he wanted to help because we were volunteers for Father Ray and he seemed bothered by the fact that we had to pay for all of this. We hopped into the car and they set us up in their guesthouse right on the water, in the middle of Georgetown. The place was a bachelor pad for sure. With all respect, it was not very clean at all. There was a lot of dirt and mildew and dust and I slept with a towel as a sheet but the place reeked with love because it was given to us and that was a huge expense we didn’t have to worry about now so I knew this was Gods taking care of us like I had asked. During our stay while our visas were processing we met the loveliest people. I’ve never met such nice people traveling in my life. From people helping us get around and waving down taxis to barter, to people offering us food or paying for our meal. Everyone was kind and smiled at us and made small chat and everyone wanted to help. It was overwhelming love, I couldn’t believe it! I learned so much of what it looks like to truly love your own neighbor. The country is absolutely gorgeous and I would definitely recommend it! There is so much culture and history and beautiful architecture and land. Very green and lush and get this...no mosquito’s!!!! We visited Little Italy, China Town and Penang Hill which is where they once grew strawberries along with many other historical/cultural treasures. We sat on the top of this huge hill after taking this specially designed train and just looked over Malaysia and breathed in the clean, crisp air (which I think I haven’t done since I left the U.S.). There were monkeys, giant spider web sheets with giant spiders on them and temples/mosques everywhere. Our visas went well, we were pleased so we headed back by train. The 24 hour ride was an interesting one to say the least, the first few hours it was like a cattle cart and people were on the verge of passing out from standing so long and having no air. There were many muslin girls. And of course, the fans and air conditioning were not working at that moment and the windows did not open. We crammed as many people into our seats as we could and everybody was miserable, including me. Qiong was lovely though and started making friends with everyone around us, loosening the anxiety and tenseness in the crammed cart. I joined her and focused my attention on trying to make other people comfortable and by the end we were all exchanging laughs and smiles. It helped the situation and I learned a little bit about caring for others before caring for your self and how important and rewarding that was. The train ride back was lovely all in all, with many rice fields and lush land and even slums and villages. I was enamored by the slums and how bad they really were. I just couldn’t understand how one could live like that. I didn’t know how they got water or electricity or anything. It made me think a lot about our daycare kids who come from the slums everyday and how happy they are anyways. It’s hard to ever complain about where you sleep when you see where others sleep and how happy they are anyways. I complain about Geckos and mosquitos in my room at night but they sleep on the dirt with everything and anything crawling around them. We (the volunteers) complain when the water goes off for 48 hours and we can’t use the toilet or shower or wash our hands, when that has never even been an option for them to even begin with. I’m upset about having no internet to call or communicate with my friends or family or check my bank account when they don’t even have a computer or electricity even if they did.


Just getting off the plane in Malaysia. Been up since 3am so I was very tired.


Going up Penange Hill, Malaysia


Qiong and I at the top of the Hill taking in the view


Walking around time, some of the architecture


Eating Chinese Food, "Cantonese Style" in China Town. Qiong was so excited! She said it felt just like China.


Train Back Home....well, to Thailand at least

Since I got back things have been quite normal again around here, visiting all the projects and taking care of the slum kids. Working with the Blind kids has been really amazing!! I have been here for a little over 3 months now so all the children are really starting to get to know me and trust me and my heart is tugged at every time I see them. I feel like we have so much to learn from the blind students. They are just so trusting. They live by faith, not by sight and they don’t want any thing more than just a genuine relationship and love. They are so happy when you even just hug them and those smiles you never forget. I keep the most gorgeous photo album in my heart. I think sometimes, we forget about how easy it is to love and care for someone. We think that we have to go to these great lengths to prove anything but really the truth is that is it is little moments in life that make the greatest impact. It feels good to give because they give back in more ways than they know. One of my favorite moments when I visit them (which may seem a little strange for you) is when I get down to their level (5-13 year olds) and let them get to know me in a vulnerable way by touch. This is how one whom is blind recognized you and tags your voice to you. They just slide their hands on my face and body and hands, also feeling for calmness in your body. I always feel like so much is communicated during this time and it makes you think and feel in a way that is more of a gift.






I’m supposed to be teaching here but I feel like the Children and the Students teach me so much! I sometimes teach at the “Vocational School for the Disabled”. A proper vocational degree school for people with disabilities all over Thailand, and many grew up as orphans. Because of this they are sponsored, their education, boarding and medical expenses are taken care of so that they can get their education. I love this program because it gives people with disabilities in Thailand a chance to have a GO at life and empower themselves. In Thailand, they believe that if you are disabled, that you did something really bad in your past life so the country treats you like they think you deserve. It’s a sick thing. That is why many do not have a family as the families usually dispose of them. Literally. Anyways, the students get a very minimal extra spending expense for things like toiletries. I’ve been told it is about 300 baht a month. This comes out to be only $9 U.S. Dollars. Often, we take the students out to the beach or for ice cream or to dinner on our days off and it always means so much to them therefore always worth the time and money. Since Christmas; two of the students, Leo and Ying have given me a simple gift. It meant so much to them and therefore it meant so much to me. This is the best gift I’ve ever received in my entire life actually and to this day I am smitten. Enable to buy me a gift that means they had to sacrifice some of their money and save up. Each time, I was speechless and almost in tears in disbelief. I didn’t think I deserved but they think I did and it was beautiful. I think that is the way God views us too. I learned so much from them about what sacrificial love looks and feels like and will always remember this every time I look at their gifts. I’ve learned so much from them.


Disabled Student's playing volleyball during free time


Students in Class

Well, in the past few weeks I’ve had just an amazing time, being challenged everyday in so many emotional ways. Everyday is battle I say, maybe not for all but for me it is. I’m so thankful for every trial that comes my way whether that means financially, emotionally, physically or even when I’m frustrated, confused about what to think/do or homesick, which I have been often. It’s an opportunity to fall and stand back up again and learn and therefore grow. As silly as it may sound I’ve really had to wrestle with the fact that I’m not perfect, I can’t do everything perfectly, in perfect thought or consistency or with zest or bubbly energy all the time. And what hurts the most, is I can’t help everyone the way I want to! I had a hard time feeling guilty about this. Feeling like I wasn’t doing enough but after spending some time reflecting within the last few hours actually, I’ve realized that this is not my burden to carry and we have the undeserved grace of the Lord. I can lean on him whenever I want, I can be sad and feel confused than pick myself up again and still be loved with the same intensity. This life is my story to paint and I can wipe my canvas clean whenever I want and give it a new color pallet. Sometimes, when life feels a bit questioning, worrisome and mundane it is easy to let your mind walk off path but the good news, is you can get back on whenever you want. Life is funny. I think I like it though. It offers great opportunity…


One of my"Day Care Kids" AKA a "Slum Kid"


Cribs at the orphanage

"Teacher, I Leave Happy Now"

Ello Mate! (Learned that one from the Australian Volunteers Today)

Well, well things have been rather chaotic around here! I apologize about the delay as it has been difficult to find some space to sit down and write. Sometimes I fret about "doing this and doing that" but what's important is that I am present. Often when worry & stress consumes my thoughts I remind myself to; "Live in the Present, with Momentum and not in the past or the future". Many of the students and children have to have this mindset as well. For if they consumed themselves with their pasts or the possibilities of their futures they would never gain momentum. We teach them to live in the present by loving unconditionally and passionately in the moment. One thing that I love about waking up everyday, is that I get to go Love these children. They are my children, they are our children, they are God's Children. The Father Ray is fabulous and we love them as our own. The volunteer coordinator was telling me yesterday that many volunteer applications come in and many people are interested but only few are accepted. They have to be particular and picky with selecting their volunteers. Why is that? I ask. He replies, "Because these are our Children and we do not want anything happening to that and only want the best". This seems right! Shouldn't this be how we treat every child? Every Disabled individual? What about your neighbor or co-worker? Should they be loved and treated right too?



I have to be honest and genuine; sometimes it is hard to get out of bed! Sometimes it is hard for me to get myself to go to my next project with zest! Sometimes I'm just physically and emotionally tired and just don't want to go. A few times I felt this way and I had to call on the Lord to ask him to give me strength, give me a full servants heart and encouragement. Whenever I just frankly don't want to go and God gives me the strength and energy to keep moving something beautiful happens. Let me tell you two stories....



Last week at the "School for the Blind" we were doing a conversational session with the students. Many students are not only blind but most are disabled and severely burnt. Unfortunately, in Thailand if you have a disability or deformity you are considered "Trash" and most parent's dispose you! Whatever that looks like. You hear stories of parent's trying to burry their child alive in the ground, or they throw them into fires (which is how they usually have burns) or they just throw them in the dumpster or drop them off somewhere. The thought of someone trying to dispose of these children are infuriating and confusing all at the same time!!! They are Beautiful! Gorgeous Individuals!!! Anyways, we sit and try to get them to talk with us in English and try to make them comfortable with us. So far, all my visits have been difficult, they are afraid to talk to you, therefore you are afraid to talk to them. They are shy and closed! This visit, I decided that I was going to make the best of this opportunity. Words suffocated my heart just minutes before as I was walking towards the students and they said, "Love with a Full Heart, Live a Full Life, Life is what you make of it, Show others they are Special and Beautiful, because they are". Sooooo, I sat down and immediately threw myself out of my comfort bubble and began asking the students a million questions until I got reactions from them. I was counting up to the ten thousandths in Thai with two particular students (which was also good practice for me) and having them translate what I said back into English out loud! Every time they got the answer right I would shout "Very Good (dii mah mak)" and give them praise and reassurance through my voice and touch (not many people touch them) and as time went on I quickly saw all their faces light up and smiles get wider. When the bell rang and it was time for them to leave they didn't want to. The principal had to come over and tell it was time to go. They left with laughter. The principal then came up to us afterwards and said, "they really enjoyed you, thank you" and gave me a look I could not forgot that said a million beautiful words. The faces of the children and energy and spirits are now ingrained in my heart...and to think that I didn't even "feeeeeel" like coming today. How silly am I....Bless the Lord!

Two days ago, I decided to start working with the disabled in the pool. We help them swim, teach them how to swim and get them comfortable with the water. Some of them have never even been in water before. We want all the students to learn how to swim for exercise and in case there was an accident one day. We also do this to empower them and push away any fear they might have as well! Father Ray encourages Sports and exercise! The water was cooooold that day! I got in the water and one by one we got the students out of their wheelchairs and into the water. A few of the new students were not comfortable though. So we patiently just floated around with them on floaty boards moving alongside them or holding them in the water to make them comfortable. One girls legs were deformed and she was using the floaty the whole time. She took to me really quickly for some reason and I could see that I was gaining trust with her so I convinced her to get rid of the floaty and let me help her move across the pool chest deep. She eventually said OK and we got rid of her floaty and I took her hands and we slowly but patiently made our way across the pool. She was shaking and kept saying, "Teacher, teacher, I'm scared" with Joy I looked back at her straight into her beautiful brown eyes and with the strength of Love said "I promise, that I will never ever let you fall, let me show you". After a few more words of encouragement she made her way from one end of the pool and back and I told her how wonderful she did and said I was proud of her and handed back her floaty. She looked at me and said with pure excitement and accomplishment, "Teacher, I leave Happy Now". My heart was dewey and warm and throat was choked up! And to think that I didn't feel like getting in the cold water that day!




Amongst the many things I have learned so far, one is Life is beautiful and has so much to teach us, therefore; if you let it, give it your time, strength, energy and spirit with a willing heart you will never be dissatisfied because you already decided you were going to make that moment Full! Lean on the Lord's Love and his Strength and HE WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH THE DAY! Let Life Show you something Beautiful....

Till we chat again,
Courtney

"A Gecko Fell On My Head Last Night"

Sawat de Kah (Hello)!



Life has been rather hectic around here but lovely. The pace is really picking up, therefore I'm really being challenged. Our schedules are lined up all day and by evening we are exhausted but that is my time to practice Thai or go to a Thai class, practice guitar, read, prepare lessons, do a devotional, research, etc. I think it is important to have many little goals and achievements that accompanies one enriching goal. I'm still in the process of trying to find a cheap guitar to buy but until then have been using the other volunteers. My goal is to be able to sing with the children and teach them english songs in the Classroom. Everyone connects through music. My Thai is coming along, although very difficult and frustrating sometimes just like any other language. I try to practice everyday and can speak conversationally now. Just finished reading a book recommended to me by a friend back home, Nicole Gallego. It is Called "The Road of Lost Innocence" by Somaly Mam. It is fabulous! Although very difficult to read as it makes you very sad but it is reality for too many so it should hurt. I think it's important to be aware. It is about a cambodian woman affected by the Khmer Rouge being tossed around in the sex slave circle. Raped, beaten, deceived and sold for what seems like a million times. Eventually she manages to get out of the Brothels and creates a new spirit for herself. She eventually goes back and begins saving other girls as young as 5 years old (some sold at the age of 3). It's also very prevalent in Thailand and impossible to ignore. I would recommend this book to everyone although I suggest reading it rather quickly as it can be heavy on the heart.

VISITING WITH "AUNTIE", ONE OF OUR ELDERS HERE. WE VISIT WITH HER A FEW TIMES EVERY WEEK IN THE MORNINGS. SHE IS A CHARACTER! BLIND AND CAN ONLY HEAR OUT OF ONE HEAR SO YOU LITERALLY HAVE TO LEAN OVER HER AND SCREAM INTO HER HEAR! SHE DOESN'T LIKE MY NAME BECAUSE SHE CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT. SHE KEPT CALLING ME "CARTOON" THIS VISIT. SHE ASKS QUESTIONS ABOUT EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE! WHO ARE MY PARENTS. WHAT DO MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS DO. DO THEY LIKE SPICY FOOD. WHAT ARE YOU STUDYING. WHY AREN'T YOU MARRIED! THE WHOLE WORKS. SHE IS TRULY A DELIGHT AND ONE OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF MY DAY AS I KNOW WE ARE TO HERS AS WELL.


Last Saturday was Loy Krathong and it is one of the biggest holidays in Thailand. It was so neat to spend a holiday in another country. Everyone was all dressed up and the children and disabled were out and competing in the beauty, dance & singing contests. We blessed our Krathongs and sent them off into the water to say thanks to the water goddess. Part of the Buddist belief. Very interesting actually because in my opinion there is irony. They say sorry to the Goddess of water for polluting yet the beaches are FULL of trash and the water is like a mine of trash. I can't even swim in it yet I'm so disguisted but they continue to trash their country and apologize about it on this day. I find it frustrating but it's culture for them. The Thai's have this "Out of sight, not my problem" attitude. So as long as the garbage is out of their house it is fine so they throw their garbage into the streets and ocean where they can't see it rather than just finding a garbage sometimes. Here is the update on the Father Ray website about the festival, a picture of me holding a Krathong was actually posted:

http://www.fr-ray.org/home/?menu=news&news_id=1000679&read=y

ONE OF MY OWN PICTURES. SENDING OFF THE KRATHONG INTO THE LAKE AFTER LIGHTING THE INCENSE AND CANDLES. THE FISH LIKE TO EAT THE BOTTOM.


I have been having a hard time sleeping and one of the volunteers from Australia, Natasha gave me some relaxing music and showed me some techniques to calm myself down at night. This seemed to help and right now, anything that helps is very much appreciated. Finally at 3 in the morning I was able to fall asleep BUT at 5 in the morning I was woken up by a Gecko!!! It fell on my head in the middle of the night and I reached back and felt it in my hair! I was terrified and startled and jumped out of bed and turned off the lights but he was gone! This kept me up for another hour just to wake up again at 7:30 again to begin my. I think he is the one who has been crawling into the shower with me sometimes. Perhaps there are many in my room! I don't know. I don't really like them in my room but I guess I'm just going to have to make peace with the Gecko's. I'll warm up to the other critters later. They like to surprise you and I'm not fond of surprises...like that!! Yesterday we were walking back from folding newsletters for supporters and stuffing envelopes (8,000 of them) and a snake fell right out of a tree in front of us! Scared us and especially my friend, Qiong. She was not pleased but oh well. Anyways, I also had my first day of teaching today at the Children's Village, which was lovely. I will have them every week for the next 5 months. We went over how to greet and introduce yourself and then figured out what day was today and went over months, seasons, days of the week. We then played hangman and they loved it! We used different countries around the world as an intro to us. Teaching is an amazing thing! Educating is a beautiful thing! The other teachers and I were so excited when we were done we kept talking about the kids and what we could work on next week and what we observed. They want to learn so bad! They are so excited when we come! It's fascinating watching them put sentences together and uplifting to help them, encourage them and pronounce words correctly. What is so second nature to us is so difficult to them, yet such a desire.

We also went to the "School for the Blind" Tuesday and Wednesday. On Tuesdays we sit down and do a conversational session with them which is so fun and amazing what they are capable of. On Wednesday we took the little ones to swim. We each had a blind child and went into the water with them teaching them how to swim. It was pure craziness but one of the most memorable things I have done yet! These children are so encouraging to us! They swim around bumping into each other but they always come out OK. we tried to protect them at first but then I think realized that they are not going to learn unless you let them hurt themselves a few times. Isn't that life? Instead of living in fear of this world and their next step in front of them, they are out taking risks every second of everyday and truly pursuing to live their lives to the fullest. They do everything we do, just a little differently. Watching them persist chaotically in the pool was a beautiful sight and made me realize how much we should learn from them.

Sometimes, we have to step aside and view life through a different pair of frames enable to grasp what the world truly has to offer and take nothing for granted.

Feeling the Groove

It has been a little over two weeks that I have been with the Father Ray Foundation, although it feels more like forever and not very long at all. After a whirlwind of emotions and desperation I believe with ease I can finally say that I'm getting into the Groove of things. I of course know that this was not my works alone but the works of the Lord and the prayers of others I surely felt. The warm messages from my friends and family back at home has truly been a gift. A special thanks to Jen Meynardie and my YoungLife Family for their constant genuine support and words of comfort from the truth.

This morning, I feel less anxious, more confident but more anxious to see what the Lord has in store and confident in his doings. We had a lovely conversation last night that put me right to sleep comfortably for the first time. I'm adjusting and finding my place here :) This morning I woke up to meditate on the word, I read about the parable of the Sower over a cup of herbal tea, Norah Jones and some indian incense burning in the background. I found myself resonating with the Thorns in our soil. Thorns are anything that distract us from God; the worries of this world. Surely I knew that I did not want to trap myself amongst these thorns and knew who I needed to surrender my fears, worries, emotions and struggles to :) The spark has been lighten...

Lately I have been feeling ill or as I say "just under the weather". My body is trying to adjust and all these things are normal but it has drained a lot of my energy and between that and the humidity and busy schedules, my days are long and exhausting. At the foundation they purify the water themselves using chemicals like much of the rest of the country does. My body was not fond of this and I found myself lagged and sick for a few days. I'm now buying all my water outside of the compound in Jugs and keeping it in my room. Already I feel so much better! My allergies are acting up and my skin irritations are coming back from the weather but this too is normal and thankfully can be worked through. Yesterday we took the children to the aquarium and they had a blast. I had a little boy who refused to walk and demanded to be carried the whole time. Every time I tried to put him down he would cry after about a minute. Once I picked him back up he was just so comforted to be back in my arms. On the bus ride back home he quietly fell back asleep on my lap. These children come from the slums and some never receive much attention so I believe that they try to soak up every pound of love they receive. We went to the ocean and gazed over the big sea. This brought a certain peace over my heart. Then I realized that I was reminded of San Diego by the smell and sounds of the ocean and stumbled on a homesick moment where I missed San Diego and all the beautiful people in it. I then realized that instead of being sad I felt grateful to live in such a beautiful place. I will never have a moment where I take my country for granted again! We bought the children popsicles and it melted all over their faces and clothes. It was a disaster! But a lovely one to say the least! We got back and were exhausted, ate lunch then I headed off to my Thai Lesson. In the evening a lovely volunteer named Dan read me a beautiful poem. He is a lovely, whimsical, older man with a spark in his eye and I'm very fond of him. He read me this...

It doesn't take much
to hold the tiny weight
of a song sparrow,
any little twig will do,
or a sturdy weed in a field.

Why do I think my fledgling ideas
have to wait for a thick branch
or a secure landing place
before I set them down?

The wisp of a fleeting dream
can rest for a while
on a small extension in my soul.

If I never let these dreams land,
they will not gain strength
for the long flight into fullness.

All it takes is a little twig
to rest a great dream on.

This poem resonated with my heart in a delightful way and I too hope it resonates with yours ;) He then handed me the book of poems that reflected nature and my heart and said "Read and Purr". So I read and I purred. All these things are lovely little gifts.

I was telling this story to my boyfriend, Mike about a precious moment I had with one of the Children and he said, write that down so I did and I'm now going to tell you about this simple little moment of beauty. Last Saturday, we were at the Children's Village playing with the children. They usually run around and play and beat each other up. You learn not to exuberate all your effort into trying to stop all these little tangents kids go on and the fights they have. Kids will be kids. One girl was dragging another little girl on the ground and she started crying. Excuse me, she whaled!!!! That was a moment I knew I needed to intervene so I quietly walked over to her, picked her up off the cement and held her over my shoulder rocking her back and fourth quietly singing to her. She cried and cried uncontrollably, collecting her breath like children do and I just continued to patiently sway her back and fourth in my arms just loving her. Shortly this girls heart began to patter slower and her breaths became longer and arms grasped me closer and she just melted and embraced. Her tears were gone and it was just her and I. Just her and I. She then fell asleep in my arms. I think we both communicated a lot to each other at that moment about how much she was loved. The most beautiful part at that moment was that this love was not coming from me. It was Christ's Love and it compelled both of us. I will always remember that little moment of Truth.

I stay very busy around here. Every Morning I either go visit one of the elders in the elderly home Mr. Lee or Auntie. We usually take Mr. Lee out for a stroll around the compound to the fish pond or store or to see the children. He loves Coke and we buy him one everyday! He looks forward to this and kicks his legs! My Lee can't say much but he is an alert fellow with a lot of Life! Auntie is about 91, she is blind and can only hear out of one ear. We sit with her, hold her hand so that she knows you are with her and lean over her and scream into one ear! Literally! She is a character! She Loves company and asks every question in the book to you! How many brothers and sisters do you have? What are they doing? Do you have a boyfriend? What does he do? Where are your parents from? Do you like Spicy Food? Sometimes, she takes some patience but she is surely a delight. If I'm not with one of the elders I usually teach in the mornings. That is always fun! I then head over to play with the children along with a few other volunteers; Rachel (Whales), Mandeep (London), Qiong (China) and a few others and we stay with the children till Lunch. We play with them then feed them then bath them which is always an adventure, dress all of them then pat them to sleep! Yes, All of them! You sit there between two children and pat them consistently until they fall asleep. Then you move over to the next child and try to get them to fall asleep. This always takes a lot of patience and time but it surely is a beautiful moment everyday. In the afternoons we do different things; Children's Drop in Center, Children's Village, etc.

All in all I'm having a wonderful time, the volunteers here are lovely and everyday I feel differently than the day before. I fall often but this is all part of the journey. When my heart starts to ache, I'm reminded everyday of his Love.

Trying to Adjust

Hello! Or as some of my volunteer friends from England/Whales would say..."Ello"
I has been a while since I've been able to update this blog and I apologize as I have not only been very busy but also dealing with some technical difficulties regarding my internet connection. But I'm slowly getting everything worked out. I moved rooms today so connection is back up in my room. Although I must note to everyone that quite frequently our internet and any other kind of reception shuts down for days at a time due to the thunder storms we get here quite often. I do my best.
Part of me has been a little anxious to write in this blog with a feeling of "Where do I even start"? Well, I'm not going to overwhelm you or myself but share with you a few tid bits here and there. Thailand is just one of those places that needs to be visited enable to get a full understanding, just like any other country really. The last few days I have just been trying to get settled in. Used to the culture, food, temperature, furious bugs, language, customs, humidity, people, routine, etc. Also, I've just been trying to work through all the culture shocks I'm experiencing and preparing my heart/ears/eyes for the next. It has been a delightful process, yet a difficult one as I found myself very upset the other day. Missing home. Missing Family/Friends and the little luxuries we take for granted such as a flushing toilet or designated shower. I found myself desperate for prayer and to talk to friends and family but could not. I found myself pleading with the Lord in tears asking for things I already knew he was doing for me such as guidance. Pattaya, Thailand is considered the "sin city" of Thailand, therefore it can be very heartbreaking to be around. You see kids and people everyday effected by the corrupt ways and living in it. You can't do much but love....
Last night was a blast! Some of the volunteers hopped into the back of a truck like we usually do and headed over to the "Children's Drop in Center for Street Kids" to have dinner with them. We ate with the children then hung out with them afterwards. Music came on and we all started dancing with each other. I was sweating bullets but didn't care as the kids were having so much fun and so was I. A man from the Fr. Ray talked to us about some of the children. There is one little boy there named; Art. He is always full of energy and love every time we visit and is surely a pleasant handful. The outreach team found Art and his brother on "Walking Street" (prostitution, escort, gogo bar scene) dancing in the corner of a bar while his mom danced up on stage. She appeared to be heavily sedated on drugs and the father ray outreach team asked her if they could care for her child since he seemed to be pretty abandoned and living as a "street child" and she quickly signed him over. He was saying that when the children first come in, they are mean and aggressive and violent and rude but after time, through loving them their spirits and character changed. This man left the conversation with "Love can change everything" and walked away. It reminded me of exactly why we are here. My volunteer coordinator tells us stories and I find myself choking on my tears of pain and frustration but he explains that there is nothing we can do to change someones past when they walk into the father ray or change what is going on amongst the streets and behind the naked eye here and all over the world but all we can do is Love and create a new life for them now.
Something I've really come to realize through the wise words of others warmth of the Lord is that Life is not about how much you accomplish, how much fun you have, what you did, what you have but it's about giving life meaning and another beautiful aspect to that is that we can help nourish and give meaning to the lives of others for a very little sacrifice; love.
I have only been here for a little over a week but already I feel as if I've been here for ages!! I've been working through so many feelings and emotions that have lost track of time. I cry, I laugh, I smile, I choke on my words, I plead with the Lord, I debate my decisions but mostly I'm growing and through the trials I'm realizing that I'm in the right place. I'm exactly where God wants me, I'm exactly where it hurts the most and therefore needed and I'm feeling exactly the way I should....sad, anxious, overjoyed, guided by the lord. It's not about me, it's about him.
Just a few tid bits: I've been working with the children a lot; feeding them, playing with them, bathing them, patting them to sleep. My Thai is coming along! I can get around in Thai on my own. I picked up the guitar yesterday and have a lovely friend here with me from London named, Sandy who is devoted to teaching me and working with me. Bless his heart. The other volunteers here are lovely, all from all over the world, different ages, different places in life but all with the same interest to help others. I learn a lot from them and we spend a lot of time together and its been a pleasure. We teach each other about our cultures and compare. We teach each other about the culture here and compare stories. We talk about everything here that is Taboo for us such as the "Lady Boys" (Transvestites) In Thailand, they think that their is a third gender and so there are many Lady Boys around here. You would never know though until they talked. Fools everyone. We talk about all the Western men here we see with ulterior motives and the cute families you see on the street with a corrupt business lurking in the back. I can tell you more about that later but sex is prevalent here and its not only shocking but heartbreaking.
Anyways, I must get going now, Its about 9pm here but 7am for you. Big day tomorrow at the Children's Village. Please keep my safety and relationship with the Lord in your prayers and praise him for all his doings.
with love
-Courtney

A little bit of time to get settled in

Good Morning!
Well most of you are sleeping actually! Might I first begin by saying Praise the Lord I have internet! This is a new accommodation for the volunteers. I took my chances by lugging my laptop halfway across the world on a 20 hr plane ride and it was well worth it to have communication with my fellow friends and family. This is truly a blessing! Right now It is 10:30 Friday morning here. Just got done have breakfast with the other volunteers and now everyone is laying low inside due to the heavy rain storm outside. The thunder is roaring and ground is flooding and it's incredibly humid. There seems to be an animal outside making noise because of the rain but I haven't quite figured out what kind of animal this is yet! ha ha.
Yesterday I spent the day getting to know some of the other volunteers who have arrived. They are from all over the world. We are still expecting about 12 more people and classes have not begun yet so the compound is a little quiet until then. This allows for a lot of down time, which I am thankful for! I see this as an opportunity to get to know my area, the people, and the culture! Plus, more time to read and spend with the lord!!!!
Yesterday Morning, I visited the Day Care center and the children are incredibly loving! As I was walking toward the building and a little boy had seemed to escape and knew exactly what he was doing ;) I looked at him and said "Where are you going Mr"? This 2 year old boy just darted over to me and wrapped his arms around my legs. These kids have no idea what you are saying to them half the time but they are just so happy to be loved and want to love you back! Children are so innocent it brings a special place to my heart! This Day Care center is a program only for families of low income who work 6-7 days a week. We charge only 5 baht a day which is extremely cheap but this encourages the family to be productive and work, verses if we offered this program for free. every morning the children get dropped off by their parents on their mopeds (that is all people drive here) and we collect their 5 baht. only 2 of the baht goes towards them (i.e food, bathing, art supplies) We bath them everyday as many of them do not get the attention they need at home. The other 3 baht goes towards a "Child Trust Fund" which puts money aside for their education. Many children do not finish or end up going to school because the families cannot afford to do so or just do not want to pay. This is why my heart went for this foundation and all the different programs it offers. Instead of just giving handouts to people. We create a system to save them then get them back on their feet mostly using the power of education. Education is on my heart. I believe in educating and that is why I'm particularly with the Father Ray Foundation. They not only save, but they educate and build lives.
I then met another volunteer from Denmark and we went over to the elderly center. He had come with his girlfriend he met while backpacking through China, Chiow. Sweet girl. Their story was interesting as they lived away from each other for about 2 years only using skype and their love was genuine. Both with Thick accents they still understood one another, teaching each other. A beautiful sight. I met an elder who loved affection. When you would speak to him or touch him his face would just light up with joy. Complete Joy. He was from China and did not speak Thai or English so he was thankful for Chiow whom he could understand. He cries when she leaves. One of the other volunteers told me that he got kicked out of China, and misses his family very much. I have not heard the entire story yet as he gets very upset when he talks about it and weeps. But I heard it is a devastating one. But without the Father Ray Foundation, this man would have no place to live and be on the streets. He knows this and says he is grateful everyday! This, he can comprehend.
Later that evening, another volunteer Sandy and I went into town to pick up a few items for our stay. When you walk out of the compound it is already a completely different place. The streets are crowded, busy and dirty. There are no sidewalks and the cars and mopeds whip past you only inches away not even seeming to care if you are there or not or cautious. The walk to the market frightened me because of this. Every other minute, I felt like my life was spared! I came back to my room and crashed early, missing dinner and a tea party to catch up on my jet lag. I hadn't technically slept since Monday night, It was Thursday yesterday here so you can only imagine!
Woke up early this morning as my body's time is still off (14 hr difference) and missed my friends and family. Made a quick but pleasant call on skype to my mother and Mike then went out onto the balcony and read and spoke to God. Truly one of the most meditating times of the day! God always reminds me of how important this is when I spend time with him! Sometimes we get so caught up in the excitement and schedules of our lives that we forget how important it is to energize our spirits with the Lords word.
This morning at breakfast I had many interesting conversations with the volunteers. We compare cultures and systems in our country and debate different areas of life. My favorite part is stopping and listening to all the side conversations. People from all over the world; London, Whales, Ireland, France, Australia, Denmark, China, etc come and sit together and genuinely speak and care for one another in their thick accents. We can all communicate with each other. It is a beautiful sound.
I've written a lot but I have some time right now while I'm getting settled in so I feel as if I need to take advantage of my free time now as I will not have much of this soon and my communication will decrease. I thank you all for caring and loving! Do what the children at the Day Care center and most of Thailand do....love unconditionally and let yourself be loved back regardless of color or language. Because in the big picture. None of this matters. And one day, it wont matter at all ;)

I Finally Made it to Thailand! Yippee Skippy!

sa wat dee!!!! In other words....Hello! Yes, I did make it to Thailand, safe and sound! Thank you so much for all of you that kept me in your prayers and thoughts the past 2-3 days of traveling! That's right! Portland to Los Angeles to Taipei, Taiwan, Bangkok, Thailand to Pattaya :) I even traveled on a donkey! Just Kidding! I arrived at 4:30 in the morning and had to be ready for work at 7 so I didn't even bother going to sleep. I'm exhausted but needless to say, I'm thrilled and in awe of every step I take. I feel as I've already been on a whirlwind journey meeting crazy people, kind people and people who have no idea what I'm talking about! I love learning about this culture first hand. These people are so polite and welcoming!

In the LAX airport I immediately made a new friend named Alanna who just so happened to also be from San Diego, she had just graduated from USD and decided to go backpacking with a friend for 2 months. We clicked and bonded immediately! Occasionally, I have "long weekends" off (Fri/Sat-Sun) so we plan on getting in touch and backpacking together one of my long weekends. I felt very blessed to meet someone right away I felt comfortable with and liked very much! This helped ease my nerves that I was wrestling with that morning and night before at the hotel. My Tita Christy spent the night with me at a hotel in LA and dropped me off at the airport the next morning. I was so happy I got to see her before I left. Felt like forever, but it really wasn't ;) Tried to not cry but it was a bittersweet moment, as were all my other goodbyes. I felt overwhelmed by love and this alone brought tears of joy and thankfulness to my heart & eyes. Being sent off by so many people who care about me and love me is truly a blessing.

10 hours into the plane ride I had the "Oh my gosh, what am I doing"? moment! I just thought to myself "Woah, there is no turning back now! Alright God"! Lately I have been feeling distracted from the Lords voice and began to feel discouraged by this. I asked others to pray for the Holy Spirit and at that moment prayed and asked God to just speak to me. I opened the bible after a powerful realization of selfless love to Proverbs 4...

Proverbs 4

Wisdom Is Supreme

 ¹ Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
       pay attention and gain understanding.

 ² I give you sound learning,
       so do not forsake my teaching.

 ³ When I was a boy in my father's house,
       still tender, and an only child of my mother,

 ⁴ he taught me and said,
       "Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
       keep my commands and you will live.

 ⁵ Get wisdom, get understanding;
       do not forget my words or swerve from them.

 ⁶ Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
       love her, and she will watch over you.

 ⁷ Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
       Though it cost all you have, ^a]">[a] get understanding.

 ⁸ Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
       embrace her, and she will honor you.

 ⁹ She will set a garland of grace on your head
       and present you with a crown of splendor."

 ¹⁰ Listen, my son, accept what I say,
       and the years of your life will be many.

 ¹¹ I guide you in the way of wisdom
       and lead you along straight paths.

 ¹² When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
       when you run, you will not stumble.

 ¹³ Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
       guard it well, for it is your life.

 ¹⁴ Do not set foot on the path of the wicked
       or walk in the way of evil men.

 ¹⁵ Avoid it, do not travel on it;
       turn from it and go on your way.

 ¹⁶ For they cannot sleep till they do evil;
       they are robbed of slumber till they make someone fall.

 ¹⁷ They eat the bread of wickedness
       and drink the wine of violence.

 ¹⁸ The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
       shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

 ¹⁹ But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
       they do not know what makes them stumble.

 ²⁰ My son, pay attention to what I say;
       listen closely to my words.

 ²¹ Do not let them out of your sight,
       keep them within your heart;

 ²² for they are life to those who find them
       and health to a man's whole body.

 ²³ Above all else, guard your heart,
       for it is the wellspring of life.

 ²⁴ Put away perversity from your mouth;
       keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

 ²⁵ Let your eyes look straight ahead,
       fix your gaze directly before you.

 ²⁶ Make level ^b]">[b] paths for your feet
       and take only ways that are firm.

 ²⁷ Do not swerve to the right or the left;
       keep your foot from evil.

At that moment I felt compelled and knew that the Lord was with me on this journey and would not forsake me! All my comfort came from this. His voice.

After that 14 hour flight and layover in Taipei I finally landed in Bangkok another 3 1/2 hours later. People were walking up to me and anxiously asking me if they could take pictures with me. I asked if it was because I was from America and they just nodded their heads in a mixture of surety and confusion! My mother told me this might happen, I guess I just figured that I blended in more since I died my hair back from blonde to dark. I finally get through.. immigrations and see a short, dark man with a sign with my name on it. He speaks no English but I follow him. I'm in awe of my surroundings and lightning the ride back! Nobody seemed to even noticed the raging lightning! hmmm.

We finally reach the compound in Pattaya where the manager of the hotel the volunteers now stays in shows me to me room! It's little and old but I'm still thankful. Only a few minutes ago I finally figured out how to flush the toilet! No button! Just a bucket of water! I was looking all over the place for one of those buttons last night! Well, this morning :) There are no designated showers either. Just a bathroom with a drain and a hand held shower head. You shower in the middle of the bathroom. Next to your toilet! That was interesting! I have a little tiny balcony and this compound is beautiful!I thanked the lord for my safety and wisdom that day as I had already had a few encounters and got ready to move along again.

This morning I was greeting by a lovely old man named Wayne, who has been volunteering at Father Ray for 16 years. He hugs me right away and makes me a plate for breakfast, shows me how to bow to others in greeting, thanking and respectand shows me all around the compound on his little wobble! He calls everyone brother, sister, cousin, uncle, grandma and so fourth. We head over to the Day Care center and there are the cutest children in uniforms being dropped off by their parents on mopeds and bowing with their little hands every time I look at them. He then shows me the library! Ahhhhhhhh! It's beautiful! old Thai classics and resources galore! I'm in heaven even after lugging 10 other books over here! I signed up to take a Thai beginner course at the library every Friday! I'm determined to come back fluent!

I feel as if this journey began a long time ago. God has been showing me through the love and support and reaching out of my friends and family how beautiful this world is. I've felt humbled and choked up more than I can count! I thank you all for your support! It's 9:40 Thursday morning here! We are 14 hours ahead but already I feel overwhelmed and blessed by these people, this culture, this opportunity and everyone in my life. God is Love.